When you’re a grown adult, dressing up for Halloween is a fraught exercise.
There are ways you can do it without embarrassing yourself and your family members, but to do so you are going to need to spend at least a couple of these things: time, thought, or money.
If you’re Richie Rich and choose the money route, it’s a simple proposition to walk into a costume shop, drop $150 and come out looking presentable. Way to go, Monopoly Man.
Or if you would rather invest your precious time, you can spend a week at the sewing machine and then wake up early in the morning on Halloween and spend another two hours crafting exquisite banshee makeup. Sure, it’s hard work. But it does feel a little bit sweeter when you drop your kids off at school and a couple of classmates burst into tears at the sight of you. Your effort will earn you a place in the Halloween afterlife, which is like heaven but everything is “sexy” (say hello to “Sexy St. Peter” for me!).
If you don’t want to spend any effort or money, though, you can just show up to work in your normal clothes, say you’re an “office worker,” slink to your desk and stuff your face full of the mini chocolate bars that other employees brought in (note that this is 100 per cent what I typically do).
There is another option, though. And that is to put a little thought into it, and blow people away with your clever mind costume.
“But Andy, I don’t want to spend money or time and I can’t think of anything clever to dress up as,” you might say. Don’t worry, my simple one – I’ve got you covered. Here are some ideas, ripped from today’s headlines, that you can use free of charge – a little bit of fun from your favourite community newspaper. All I ask is that you support local journalism, and send me money. Ha ha! Just kidding. I’ll also accept beer. Here are the costumes:
Hockey Canada: This is an easy costume with an important note of protest behind it. All you need to do is wear a Hockey Canada jersey and carry around a bunch of Slurpee cups. Then you ask people to put money in the cups, and when they ask you what the money is for, you tell them it’s for your “slush funds.” Ha ha! And if they ask you if the slush funds are for payouts to sexual assault victims, you pull the person’s shirt over their heads and you feed them a flurry of punches! And then you go sit in a box for a couple of minutes, and you feel shame.
Couple’s costume: If you and your pal want to tag-team the evening, one of you can dress up super hot and the other one can stand beside the hot one all night, ignoring them. The hot one keeps screaming “why are you ignoring me!?” The other one never responds. When people ask you what you are, you say “climate change.” Then you all have a good laugh and shoot off some fireworks. Pew!
Quiet riot: Find a sticker or print off a little piece of paper with that megaphone-looking computer icon with an X through it. Make it small so people don’t see it right away. Then whenever you meet a new person, start moving your mouth as if you are talking, but don’t make a sound. If they’re quick to pick up the gag, they’ll yell “you’re muted!” and then you can tap the “button” and start talking normally. Pandemic life – still hilarious!
North Shore special: This one is quite location-specific, but for those who know, it is absolutely nightmare-inducing. Print out a road map of the North Shore and stick it on your chest (or have a T-shirt made if you feel like dipping into the “spend a bit of money” camp). The key to the costume, though, is that you colour all the major roadways and bridges dark red. Locals will get it. The red is their blood, boiling.
There you have it, a few cheap and easy costumes to get you out the door. And before you say, “Those costumes are stupid – no one would do that,” know that I actually did something like this a few years back, dressing as the average price of a house in Vancouver. It was, well, yeah, kind of stupid. And depressing. And sad. And even a little scary, for me at least. In fact, it still haunts me. So all in all, I’d say that’s a winner. A Hallowinner!
Whatever you dress as, have fun out there. And if you really can’t think of something, just try anything and make it “sexy.” Who wouldn’t love to see a “Sexy Mute Button!” Happy Halloween!
Andy Prest is the assistant editor of the North Shore News. His lifestyle/humour column runs biweekly. [email protected]
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