This whole pandemic thing was supposed to give us ample time to learn new things – how are those ukulele lessons going?! – but I’ve got to admit that I’ve learned only one real, valuable life lesson in this lousy global emergency.
It’s not a craft or language or alphabet burping trick or anything like that, but it is something that I hope to take with me the rest of my life. The lesson is this: you’ve got to put a couple of scoops of olive juice into your martinis – seriously, just slop it in there; the dirtier the better.
No, wait. That’s not the main lesson. The main lesson is that many people are morons or jerks or both, and the best way to avoid those people is to steer clear of Twitter replies, or Facebook, or, apparently, the outside of hospitals for some reason.
No, wait. That’s not the most valuable lesson either, although it is sobering to realize just how many of our friends and neighbours are psychopaths.
Anyway, here comes the real lesson, and to show you just how important this is, I’m going to type three words but put a period after each word like it is its own sentence. Are you ready? OK, here’s the lesson: Go. Out. Side.
Phew, that was dramatic, and probably could have even been just two words. But proclamations are more poignant in trios – that’s science. And this obviously isn’t some new concept – since the invention of the door, mothers have been shooing their kids out of them to get some fresh air.
My family went so far as to legislate outdoor time for an entire year. At the start of 2021 – blissfully unaware of what an absolute train wreck of a year it would be in so many ways – we took on something called the 1,000 Hours Outside challenge. We vowed to collectively spend 1,000 hours outside over the course of the year, or die trying.
I even mentioned it in a newspaper column, which meant I was sworn by the CRTC, the Better Business Bureau, and the Pirate’s Code to at least attempt to follow through. But it sure seemed like a daunting task, when we took it on. One thousand hours in a year translates to nearly three hours per day. That may not be a lot for a cowboy or bald eagle, but it sure sounded like a lot for a city-bound family busy with school and work and YouTube cat videos.
And then as the year rolled on we all got trapped under a “heat dome,” which in the global ranking of “domes” sits nearly dead last (better only than the Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin “comedy” “movie” Bio-Dome). Then there was the rain, which didn’t flood us out here on the North Shore like it did in other parts of B.C., but it certainly was very, well, wet, for a very long time.
And then of course to balance the record heat of the summer we had record cold in the winter. And then a rare, massive dump of snow – climate change really took a nice victory lap in 2021, didn’t it?
And of course, all of this came with a potentially deadly virus swimming nearby in the spittle of both neighbours and strangers.
But, despite it all, we completed the darned outdoor challenge. Before the end of November, we’d filled in the final square on our 1,000 Hours card (we literally had a stylistic page printed out with 1,000 spaces to fill in – cute, right?). A big assist went to baseball and soccer, sports that forced us outside for hours on end.
The low point for me in this whole stupid pandemic thing actually came last month, in the weeks after we’d ticked the final box on our outdoor challenge.
Soccer season went on break, and as cold weather settled outside, I settled inside, on the couch, wrapped up in a haze of chocolate, chips, cheese, beer and bread, all topped with a strong dose of lethargy. I forgot to go outside for weeks, and I started to feel, and look, like a pile of chicken gravy.
I’ll readily admit that, as far as COVID low points go, that is incredibly not low, in the grand scheme of things. We’re privileged over here, my family and I, to still be relatively healthy and living in this beautiful outdoor wonderland. But it reminded me of that lesson, truly the one piece of advice I’d share with others to keep them healthy and sane in these dumb times. If it’s at all possible – and I know we all have different access issues to take into consideration – get yourself outside. Take a hike, build a snowman, plant some peas, look at water.
Give it 1,000 hours and see how you feel.
Andy Prest is the sports and features editor of the North Shore News. His lifestyle/humour column runs biweekly. [email protected]
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