Anxiety is a terrible feeling.
It’s that sense that something is wrong, even if you don’t know what it is. It can be omnipresent, colouring otherwise positive experiences, greeting you first thing in the morning and tucking you in at night.
There are many flavours of anxiety, but the unique realities facing today’s children make the condition complex and multi-faceted.
You are normal
Anxious children need to feel seen and heard.
For mental health professionals who work with adolescents in the Sea to Sky Corridor, it often comes down to making sure they have a sense of belonging and a sense of significance. Psychotherapist Bernd Mueller of the Squamish Counselling Centre feels a great first step is making sure that they know their feelings are normal.
“It is very common to feel anxious during adolescence because so many changes are taking place in their body, their mind and their emotions,” he told The Squamish Chief.
“If you are experiencing anxiety, you are normal. There is no one who does not feel anxious at some time. Anxiety is a common and very treatable condition.”
Fighting the lion
Your body is ready to fight a lion, even if there isn’t one there.
To understand where anxiety originates from, you have to wrap your head around the human body’s fight or flight response. Each of us has the miraculous ability to inject hormones such as adrenaline into our bloodstream during situations of stress or emergency. This may help you wrestle a lion, but it won’t help you finish your homework.
“The fight/flight response is driven by the emotion called anxiety,” said Mueller.
There are numerous things that can trigger a child’s anxiety, from prolonged separation from a parent, a stressful home environment or over-stimulating content on their phones.
Since each child is on a different emotional journey, parents hoping to reach their children need to listen first and offer advice later.
“As a parent or caregiver, you will likely find out that it is difficult for the child to talk about certain issues. Never force a child to talk if they do not want to. The best way to get children to open up is to be a good role model. Talk about your thoughts, feelings and experiences as they relate to each activity, stressing the positive ways that you cope with problems,” said Mueller.
“Even if your child does not say a thing back, your words will have an impact on their behaviour.”
Children need emotional support to cope because most won’t be able to fully regulate their emotions until approximately the age of 12.
“As caregivers, we need to step in and co-regulate the emotions of our children,” he said.
“Co-regulating anxiety does not mean to avoid the anxiety-producing event. It means an attitude where the caregiver can say, ‘I see you struggling, I do not know all the answers, but I can guarantee you one thing, that I will be here with you’.”
A safe haven
If your child is struggling with anxiety, family is often the best remedy.
There are a number of education and therapy programs in B.C. available to parents and caregivers hoping to help children with anxiety, both public and private, but the most essential element at play is love — the kids need to know they’re valued, cherished and safe.
“In a family/parenting therapeutic scenario, work can be done towards two key components of positive child development: the development of a sense of belonging and a sense of significance,” said Mueller.
“The latter meaning that the child knows that they matter to the caregiver, the former meaning making the family circle a safe haven, a place where the child can rejuvenate from possible adversities of life.”
And reaching these kids means navigating their tempestuous emotions.
“Maybe the biggest misunderstanding and misdiagnosis around child and youth anxiety is the occurrence of anger and aggression. Both can be understood as the fight part of the anxiety response,” he said.
“Aggression and anger are the feelings that enable us to launch the fight response as a survival strategy. So rather than diagnosing a child with a behaviour disorder, it might be beneficial to screen for anxiety.”
Slowing it down
We’re human beings, not human doings.
For contemporary kids, the pressure to always be accomplishing something can be oppressive. Maybe they’re slammed with extracurricular activities, or never-ending homework, and feel they don’t get the room to simply exist. In a culture that values being busy and working hard, it can be difficult to carve out room to breathe.
That’s why registered therapeutic counsellor Nina Fields, also known as the Heartful Healer, recommends that parents find ways to slow things down for their anxious kids.
“It’s about creating a culture of slowness. Our society is all about the fast-moving, about getting places and doing a lot. That’s why a lot of us don’t know what it means to be slow. We don’t have enough downtime where the kids and parents aren’t speeding around,” she told The Squamish Chief.
Fields recommends being proactive about scheduling family connection time, whether that means going for a walk in nature, having a game night, or just sitting down in the living room for a lengthy conversation.
The tech issue
Kids who are starved of healthy interactions are increasingly turning to phones and social media for intellectual stimulation, and this is creating a generation of kids who are stunted socially and emotionally lost.
“Developmentally, anxiety can impact social interactions and it doesn’t allow kids to show up fully as themselves. Society doesn’t support anxious children well, though we are learning more about it now,” said Fields.
“COVID impacted that quite a bit too. I think we’re seeing way more anxiety than 20 years ago, mostly because kids are carrying full computers in their pockets, and they’re exposed to things way earlier than they ever should be,” she said.
“There’s also a lot of bullying because of technology. Being a teenager or a kid is hard enough, then throw in devices where things are being recorded and it’s even worse. They’re getting those feel-good hormones from getting a like, but that’s not what the rest of the world is like. There has to be reciprocity. Kids are struggling to interact with each other.”
Fields recommends not taking away the device, but helping manage its use. There are apps that limit the amount of time they can use it, or block certain functions. Leading by example is also important because kids will copy what they see—if you’re hunched over your phone in the driver’s seat, chances are they’re doing the same thing in the back.
“It’s good to know your kids. Find out what they like and don’t like. If they’re really into video games and you’re struggling to connect with them, maybe get into the game with them. If they’re into a certain sport, learn all about it and try to understand,” she said.
The goal isn’t to teach your child, or micro-manage their emotions, but just to offer your presence. It’s simply your attention they want, really.
“We all want to be known and seen for all the ways, we are—the good, the bad and everything in between.”
