"I love me!"
We all want our children to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about the person looking back at them. Ask any parent and they will agree that they want their child to develop high self-esteem. But it's such a vague concept. How do we help our children grow up and feel good about themselves?
If you feel lousy about yourself as an adult, it's a good idea to do what you need to do to get your own self-image in order first. Kids watch us carefully to learn how to respond to the world and if your demeanour is generally negative, that's what they will believe is the optimum. When you were pregnant, did you dream about having a child who is athletic and now here you are with a child who adores the violin? One way to help our kids build high self-esteem is to accept them for who they are, not for who we wish they were. Kids who grow up knowing that they are a
disappointment to their parents will never feel good about themselves. They may even try to be what you want them to be and never enjoy it and likely will not be terrifically successful.
I recall a couple I know who are completely un-athletic. They love to read, go for gentle strolls along the river and attend the theatre and symphony. Their daughter, however, is totally into sports. When she's not on the soccer field she's hiking or swimming. Her parents were her greatest fans. They learned about her sports, cheered her on from the sidelines and never tried to change her interests. Their daughter grew up to be a strong, independent young woman with a positive sense of self-worth.
While you support and celebrate your child's achievements it's important to also be realistic about their abilities. One family I know had kids who loved to play soccer and played at a medium level. They would never be all-stars, but they were keen and dedicated. Their parents appreciated their level of play and the whole family enjoyed their participation because the expectations were in line with the kids' abilities.
Children need our unconditional love. We demonstrate that when we let them know we love them all the time, no matter what. We love them when they make mistakes, when they're sick and when they're covered with mud, and when they make different choices. We also love them when they're angelic and following the rules.
Give your child the gift of one-on-one time. I know that sounds overwhelming but it's important. I'm not talking about days of intensive time; it can be as simple as five minutes. Have some times when you are alone with your child and giving her your undivided attention. It can be at bedtime when you tuck her in or simply sitting on the couch and reading a book.
Besides the time when you're giving undivided attention, also engage them to work with you. Whether it's going grocery shopping or cooking dinner, when it's just you and your child it's special. And let them know that you enjoy being with them or give them a task (can you find the peanut butter from the shelf?) so they know they are also needed as helpers.
One time I watched a neighbour heading home from the store with her two-and-a half-year-old twin children. Each child was carefully carrying a potato, which they proudly showed me. Their mom explained that she needed their help to bring these potatoes home for dinner. Later that evening their father mentioned how much he enjoyed the potatoes they had just eaten for dinner thanks to the kids helping out. You can imagine how great the kids felt about themselves!
Encourage your children to try something new and allow them to struggle while they develop a new skill. Working hard to accomplish a task is valuable. If you think about your accomplishments you will likely recall that success was hard work but worth it.
Giving your kids the gift of high self-esteem will stay with them throughout their lives and help them to become happy and successful men and women.
Kathy Lynn is a parenting expert who is a professional speaker and author of Vive la Différence, Who's In Charge Anyway? and But Nobody Told Me I'd Ever Have to Leave Home. To read more, sign up for her newsletter at parentingtoday.ca.
