QUESTION:
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and we've had problems, but I was sure that our love for each other would carry us through. Recently he told me that he loves me but he isn't in love with me and he wants to break up. I feel hurt and I am having trouble interpreting this. Can you help?
Answer:
The phrase, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," is one familiar to therapists. I don't know the origin (maybe a soap opera) but the flat out interpretation that I make is, "As great as you are, I want a new sex partner." It is one of a number of euphemisms out there like, "It's not you, it's me," or "I need to find myself" that speak of the difficulties involved in ending a relationship. As the song says, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" and people tend to take the path they believe will generate the least resistance.
The phrase rings differently given the age of the individual employing it and the length of the relationship at risk. An 18-year-old male in a short-term relationship who wants a new sex partner might draw more empathy than a 45-year-old male in a long-term relationship that has produced a number of offspring. I intend no gender specificity. Women are just as skilled with a trite phrase that ducks the issue and denies an honest exploration of the erosion of a relationship. There are of course times when such phrases are employed in a genuine effort to soften the blow.
That said, I have not found them to provide the shortcut to closure that the user intends. In my experience they engender as much pain and confusion as any other breakup conversation.
You may be able to get your boyfriend to be a little more forthcoming about his thinking if you can approach the conversation with a calm curiosity. This is not easy and is at times impossible. People generally distance themselves from emotional intensity.
No one looks forward to the breakup conversation.
Think about what you may be contributing to the lack of openness. I suspect that your boyfriend has been worried (possibly for some time) about your response to his wish to end things. If you can identify some of the challenges in the relationship and see yourself as part of the problem, you may be able to open a thoughtful dialogue.
When examining a troubled relationship, people often make the mistake of looking at things too narrowly. If you are after accuracy, it is critically important to widen the lens on your experience. What has been going on in the extended network of your lives? Have there been deaths, divorce, job loss, illness, financial disruption, career change or other significant stressors in the past six months or so? All of these can contribute to a growing sense of insecurity that can trigger anxiety and tip the balance in a relationship. When out of balance we can sometimes head off in the wrong direction in search of stability.
Good luck with your boyfriend. His wish to leave the relationship is undoubtedly more complex than his chosen phrase suggests. Knowing more would probably be useful to both of you. Even so, it is often easier to understand the reality of the moment once the moment has passed. When anxious, we are usually less able to identify the facts beneath the euphemisms of our exchange.
Margaret Anne Speak, M.A., C.C.P.A, works with couples, individuals and families from a Bowen Family Systems perspective at Family Services of the North Shore. Questions? Write [email protected].
