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Conversations are generally easy when we agree. They become more difficult when we disagree with the other person. Often, we shy away from fully expressing our opinions, hoping to avoid potential pain.
In an era where polarization and intemperate comments are increasingly common outside work, the need to be able to navigate difficult conversations with some agility is growing. But that’s also true at work, as diversity brings different viewpoints together and the increasingly hectic pace stirs up stress and anger toward others.
“Real inclusion is not that we will always agree, but will we still choose to respect each other when we disagree?” workplace engagement and diversity consultant Justin Jones-Fosu writes in I Respectfully Disagree: How to Have Difficult Conversations in a Divided World.
He sets out four types of conversations: Respectful agreement, disrespectful agreement, respectful disagreement and disrespectful disagreement. Respectful agreement may be alluring, but our real challenge is to learn to be better at respectful disagreement.
“Not only do we sometimes demean others in our agreements, but we also disrespect others and ourselves when we pretend to agree,” he warns.
He asks you to embrace the idea of “golden respect,” which acknowledges and values the shared humanity of each individual. That varies from our traditional notion of respect: It must be earned; you only give respect to others when it is given to you or you’ll be seen as a pushover; you must agree with others even if you don’t; and you must be nice, polite and diplomatic. Perhaps crucially, we usually believe respect involves being passive, not being critical and expressing a different opinion or perspective.
With golden respect, we make the choice to give respect whether or not it is reciprocated. Golden respect means being honest with others and ourselves. You can value the humanity of the person even if you don’t like them, what they represent or what they believe. “Golden respect allows for being assertive. Providing alternative perspectives is good, while also valuing others and hearing their perspective,” he writes.
He’s not a fan of the phrase “let’s agree to disagree.” While seeming diplomatic, it can be misinterpreted as dismissing the other person’s viewpoint. It can serve as an escape route to sidestep a difficult conversation.
Instead, he asks you to see yourself as a seed planter, not a people changer. He asks you to recall how you felt when somebody considered your opposing view thoughtfully. “Our goal should be to cultivate understanding, rather than seek victory in our disagreements. So the next time you’re in a disagreement, think of it as an opportunity to plant a seed of understanding rather than as a battle to be won,” he writes.
Respectful disagreement is not about converting others to your way of thinking. It’s about acknowledging their dignity, value and worth, even when their ideas clash with yours. We need to be willing to spend more time respectfully disagreeing, rather than pushing so hard for agreement that we wind up in the unhealthy trap of disrespectful agreement. And if you worry about the other person not being as noble as you when you adhere to golden respect, he stresses that modelling such respect encourages receptiveness in dialogue, according to research.
A challenge will be hurts from the past that cloud your thinking – times when you felt belittled, unheard or disrespected. You also will need to challenge your perspective as you listen to others – perhaps your ideas are not right. Above all he asks you to honour the other person: “Before and during disagreements, consider doing what I try my best to do – tell yourself that the person you’re engaging is your equal, worthy of dignity, value and respect.”
Quick hits
- Reflecting on Robert Frost’s classic poem about the road less travelled, Korn Ferry chief executive officer Gary Burnison says in his newsletter: “Each and every day, we all face the divergence of two roads — one easy, one hard. And the signpost at that intersection? Character.”
- Kevin Kelly, co-founder of Wired magazine, says when charging your phone on the go in a café, hotel or friend’s house, you should place something large like a backpack, coat or purse right next to the charger so you are less likely to forget the phone or charger.
- Basecamp co-founder Jason Fried recently took up drumming again and noticed he is gripping the sticks too tight. The lesson is that we tend to hold on too tightly early on when learning something, but then discover that making progress requires you to release a little – to lighten your grip.
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.
